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  • Writer's pictureGary Kuntz

Story of the Month: The First

By Gary Kuntz

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The first people were Adam and Eve. We all know the story of their relationship, but recently a new archeological site dug up some new information that throws a new light on their relationship.

Adam and Eve were walking down that dusty dirt road toward their house and Eve was giving Adam an earful.

“Why do we always have to walk everywhere? Can’t you come up with an idea? And are you listening to me?”

This was after that unfortunate forbidden fruit business, so Adam had learned it was best to do, as all men do. He occasionally said “uh-huh,”just to keep up his end of the conversation.

Up in heaven two angels, brothers, saw all this and decided to do something about it.

They looked in the back shed and picked out some parts... then some more parts... and just a few more, sent them down to earth and began putting them together.

This was a bit difficult as not all the parts fit exactly together, but they made them fit anyway. When it was done, they looked upon it and said it was okay. They put it on the road on other side of the hill from where Adam and Eve were walking, she was still talking and he was still saying uh-huh, and they waited.

When Adam and Eve came upon it they were astounded – they had never seen anything like it before! Eve wanted to know: “What could it be?”

But Adam knew instantly what it was. It was that most useful and utilitarian type of vehicle. It was the First Pickup Truck.

Imagine their disappointment when they opened the door and there were no keys!

The angels pointed to each other and said, “You were supposed to put them in the truck!” They then sent the keys down from heaven in a fiery package, nearly beaning Adam and causing him to jump to one side.

Adam put the keys in the ignition and cranked that engine. When it started, he knew his walking days were over. He decided to name this new creation, and since he had to “dodge”the keys... he called it Dodge.

Dodge was a mostly trusty vehicle. Sure, it rattled and bounced around on those country roads, and sometimes it wouldn’t start, but for the most part it beat walking.Then one day it happened.

Driving at a very moderate pace down the road Dodge suddenly let out a large BANG and shuddered to a stop with wisps of steam and black smoke pouring from the engine compartment. The engine had blown, and since this was before AAA, Adam and Eve had to leave Dodge by the side of the road, dead.

When they started walking, Eve started talking and Adam went back to saying uh-huh.

After they had gone, Henry came along. Now this all happened after Adam and Eve had done some begetting, and their begetting had begatted and so forth.

Anyway Henry, who was mechanically inclined, unlike Adam (who was more a humanities-type person), saw Dodge dead by the side of the road and said, “I can fix that!”

He hitched up his horse and towed Dodge back to his workshop where he worked and worked and worked on it. After he got the engine rebuilt, he decided to tackle some of the parts fitting issues. By the time he got it back together it was better than “okay” – it was pretty good!

Then he decided it needed a new name, and since he had Found it On the Road Dead... he named it Ford.

One day, Henry was driving down the road in Ford and passed Adam and Eve walking. Well Eve started talking so much that Adam couldn’t even get in an “uh-huh.”

“Why does Henry get to drive around and not us, Adam? I’m sick and tired of walking. And you better do something about it – right away!“

When Adam explained that that was Henry’s Ford, Eve took matters into her own hands.

The next time Henry drove by, she stuck out her thumb, showed a bit of ankle, and Ford came to screeching stop. Without a word, Eve climbed into Ford and there they went down the road, off into the sunset, leaving Adam in the dust.

This made Adam sad, really, really sad. So sad that when he got home he got out his guitar and created right then and there, on the spot, the very first country song.All day long he would sit on his front porch and sing his song. Sometimes, in the evening, when the sun was just going down behind the trees, the dogs under the porch would howl in harmony.

It was a sad song.

Well, word soon got back to God about the situation and after thinking about it he snapped his fingers and said “I know just what to do!“God went to the back shed and looked over all of those parts and thought “these won’t do”, so he started creating parts one by one – making sure they fit together just so perfectly.

As perfectly as the parts fit together, his ultimate creation was the new short- block engine. He knew when he created it that it would be an instant classic. Then he did some customizing: big tires, great graphics, and a custom exhaust. And it was done.

The only problem was he had built it up there and had to get it down here, so he hollowed out a meteor, fit that truck snugly inside and sent it down to earth. It fit so perfectly that he didn’t even need to use packing peanuts, which was good because, as you know, God is an environmentalist.

Adam, sadly sitting on his porch, had just finished another sad verse to his sad song when he looked up and saw this fiery rock (astronomy hadn’t been invented yet) headed straight toward him and sadly figured it was all over. Then at the last second it veered and hit the pasture about 60 yards from the house. Adam, taking this as a sign that maybe it wasn’t over yet, decided to investigate and saw this big rock in the middle of his pasture, split wide open. When he saw what was inside his eyes got real wide.

He opened the door he saw a note on the seat saying “Adam, this truck is for you, drive long and prosper.” Plus, the keys were already in the ignition! Adam started that truck and to the sound of that custom exhaust burbling away eased it out of that rock. He figured he needed a name – a special name – for this and said, “Well, since itcame from the inside of a rock and was like a rock, I name you... Chevy.”

Well, the way it wound up: Eve never did stop talking to Henry, asking why Ford couldn’t be more like Chevy.

Henry went out to his shop every day to tinker with Ford and to get some peace and quiet. As for Adam, he drove that truck everywhere and it inspired him. He wound up with 6 gold records and another 4 platinum ones for a “perfect 10” – the genre going from country, country-western, and into true crossover hits.

And God? He looked down and said, “I done good.”

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