by Allen DeBay
Used with permission. Please contact him for use or reprinting.
It all started on an ordinary day until I woke up. When I woke up, I heard this little tiny voice. I looked all around, but there was nobody there. Then, I saw on the floor a little tiny spider. I listened and this is what she said, “Hello, my name is Miranda. I’m a spider. Please don’t step on me.”
I took pity on the spider, and I took good care of her, until I figured out what I was going to do with her. I was going to use her for fishing, and no I’m not talking about using her for bait. I was going to use her to create massive underwater spider webs to catch fish. However, I had a problem. Spider webs aren’t waterproof enough and they’re not strong enough to catch fish. So, I devised a special diet for Miranda of ground up concrete and water sealer. Within a few weeks her webs were as strong as concrete, as waterproof as water sealer, and still as flexible as spider webs.
I drove my truck down to lake. She tied herself herself to my line, and I cast her out. Half an hour later, she was crawling up my line. I waited another half an hour, and I tried to reel in all the fish. However, my line broke.
The next time I went out, I was much smarter. I had Miranda tie herself to the back of my truck, and I threw her out into the lake. An hour later, she crawled up my line and I waited another hour, and my truck was barely able to pull those 3,000 pounds of fish out of the lake.
That’s when I saw the local wildlife and parks officer walking in my direction. He was not in a good mood. I explained to him that I was using spider webs to catch fish with. I’m not sure if he bought that hook, line, and spider or not, but he let me go.
However, he told me to never use spiders to catch fish ever again, and I never did.I knew I had a good idea though, and I asked Miranda if she could train more spiders. She said “sure.” She trained thousands of spiders. I was going to go into business selling spiders. However, people in my area just weren’t buying it. This was over 25 years ago, and there just wasn’t a good way to sell spiders. I devised a system of hooking computers up together and I called it the Internet, which you all know became known as the World Wide Web.
Business was going great. I was selling thousands and thousands of spiders. One day though, I had another problem. I couldn’t find Miranda anywhere. When Miranda was sleeping, I had accidentally sold her. I got on the phone and called everyone I had sold spiders to. It turned out that I had sold Miranda to the wrong person, which was someone for the equal rights of insects and arachnids. That person just happened to be looking for me. It was a couple weeks later that the police came, and they read me Miranda’s rights and took me away to jail. In court Miranda explained that the new diet didn’t cause any problems, and they let me go.
If you ever see a talking spider, I recommend that you just let the spider lie, or as Miranda would say “what a tangled web we weave, when telling stories that are, oh, so hard to believe.”